A Sight of Gratitude

I went to the Hospital in Japan for the first time today. As always, being in a new culture brings a boatload (or countryload?) full of new experiences- and this visit to get a check up was no exception. I was awed by how timely and organized everything was. In the time span of an hour myself and 5 colleagues all had our weight, height and blood pressure measured, we had a sight and hearing test, as well as an x-ray and a visit with the doctor herself. We were shuffled in and out of different rooms along a single corridor and moved from machine to machine each with their own operators and nurses all performing their own functions. Every entrance and exit brought on the slight bow, and an understanding face. They were very gracious with me and allowed my female coworker to tag along as translator throughout all of the tests. This event was novel and interesting, but also significant in that it brought together both past memories and a lesson that God has been teaching me throughout my time here in Japan.The lesson is gratitude; a feeling that is expressed thoroughly in Japan. The more I see it in the gestures and cultural attitude that permeate this place, the more I realize how much I have to learn. 
 
And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father. Colossians 3:17

Growing up amidst Christian culture a sense of gratitude has always been an important element in my life. I knew that the all the good things in my life were from God and that it was to him that I owed continuous thanks. In most life lessons there comes a time when what you know in your head has to move to your heart, or else it’s just another paper and pen mandate; another good quote that someone else said and another motto in life that gets lost when it’s not immediate. Ultimately the move from head knowledge to heart knowledge is when it moves from an inspiring idea to a part of your daily, practical life. It becomes a personal conviction, built into the makeup of your belief and directly influences how you operate. So the real significance is not that this is important (I think we can all conclude that gratitude is important), where the significance lies is in the journey of how it moves from important to integral. 

Every good and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17 

About three years ago I had a regular eye doctors appoint; regular as in nearly monthly (I visited the eye doctor like most people frequent grocery stores). This check-up lead to a request to go so a specialist, and the request to see a specialist brought the news that I had a degenerative eye disease. As most unexpected medical news is brought with a barrage of thoughts and questions; so was this moment. The situation was that I had small rips and holes in my cornea and there was the potential that if these tears got too big that my cornea would detach resulting blindness ( don’t worry- I’m ok, it’s all good). Now, I really am not aiming to sound over-dramatic here, so I’ll skip to the end of the story. I went for a whole series of laser eye treatments, many of which became ridiculous anecdotes as my eye specialist reminded me of the stereotypical ‘town drunk’ character; but, in the end of it all, my eyes are fine. I even had a laser eye surgery following that series of surgeries and now I am free of glasses forever!! A truly amazing feat considering how ridiculously poor my vision was. I’ll likely have to keep getting my eyes checked and maybe go for more treatments; but all in all I’m not too worried about any of the ‘bad news’ part of the story. Now, taking a few steps back in this story, this news did bring about something that was much more important in my life than some zapping lasers. 

As the doctor told me about the ‘could happen’ situation, my mind had to follow along the path of wondering ‘what if the worst happened?’ I had to contemplate; what would my life be like if I became fully blind? My initial reaction included a sense of being ‘wronged’, it simply didn’t seem fair to me. I felt that life would have served me a huge plate of injustice (and I’m sure I would have added to it a side of bitterness for good measure). However initial reactions are never meant to be the place where we park our thoughts; they are intended to lead us into deeper thinking. So, on I went. I realized that really, I had no reason to feel burned by life. Was not sight a blessing? A gift? An amazing, precious present that I had experienced for years. Was this not true of so many things in life? Walking, the ability to talk, my sense of touch, safety and security. (This list is unending so just allow your imaginations to fill in the rest). Far too often I think that we assume that because we have something, we deserve it. We live our lives with any particular blessing for a long period of time and it becomes an expectation, you are entitled to it, it is owed to you, not having it would be an injustice! … and I’m pretty sure it’s not. 

The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish. Proverbs 10:28

What right do you have to anything in life? Can you claim that you actually deserve the lovely blessings that you have received in your life? I can’t speak for you—but personally, I can’t justify why my life has been so dang great. It’s not that I haven’t worked hard, and it’s not that I haven’t aimed to achieve some goals— but really, God has been the one who has so graciously provided for me all my needs. He is the one who has given me the blessing of finance, health, opportunities and success. 

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is the God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

When you move from ‘this is owed to me’ to ‘this is a gift to me’ your outlook shifts significantly. This helps to put God’s work in clear focus, and this allows us to see what he is doing in our lives. It also minimizes the sense of this is what I am doing in my life; which sometimes needs to be shrunk down and put into it’s place. This gratitude also bring a sense of joy; what was once a norm and an expectation becomes the most wonderful and amazing gift in your life. I will accuse myself here and admit that I do not live in this correct mindset. My goal is to remember and recognize God’s blessing throughout my life and retain a perspective that realizes the magnitude of God’s gracious work. I am, as everyone is, continuing to grow. Growing includes fumbling the ball, tripping in the mud, and generally making a big mess of things more frequently than not. I am continuing to bow before God and thank him for the work that he is doing, and even more grateful that he’s not done yet—because there’s a lot left to do. 

The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me. Psalms 50:23


More recently, I’ve come to see that viewing things through a perspective of gratitude can be a safe guard against spiritual attacks. It is your best line of defense; your best-fortified wall, the impassable span that stops the enemy before damage can be done. It’s hard for the devil to get in and make you feel angry, bitter, sad, lonely or frustrated when you can’t stop saying “God thank you for all these great and wonderful things that you are doing”… it just doesn’t leave much of a foothold for him. 

To apply this personally, this has been important to me as I am living overseas. It’s easy to get frustrated by the way life is that’s not the way I’m used to. I can allow bitterness and resentment to creep in and for the devil to use the culture that I am surrounded by to keep me debilitated and stop the work that God is doing in my life. I want my mind to stay in a fresh state of thanks and not allow the time that passes to make my appreciation dwindle. I want to be mindful of what a blessing my work is; and how great God is that he provided this amazing job for me – no matter how long I’ve been working. I want to always be reminding myself of how wonderful it is that God has made it possible for me to be living in this country and serving these people. I want to acknowledge all the things that God has done, and will continue to do in all areas of my life; and through this to be strengthened and encouraged to keep pressing on and serving him. 

Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. Colossians 2:6-7
 

God, Thank you, Seriously!

Easter... a little different this year

            Easter was a little different for me this year; no bunnies, no dying of hard boiled eggs, no searching the house for candies and chocolates, no mini eggs (which is the primary and most desired of Easter treats; they were deeply missed). It was a lovely spring weekend in Japan void of the commercial constructs that have attached themselves to my concept of Easter. As much as I missed these things that I have come to associate with Easter; I got to see Easter in a whole new light. A progress from Good Friday to Easter Monday; and all that God does in between.

            The story starts with Sin; not a bright beginning, however without this backdrop the rest of the events remain insignificant. It is only in the recognition of my utter sinfulness that the rest of the story can be understood. Like a broken scale that can’t properly assess weight is the person who remains ignorant of the inordinate state of their sins. You can’t know the worth of Jesus’s actions until you can see your own deprived state. God peels back the layers of justification, pride, comparison, false comforts, and all other forms of spiritual make up that one uses to cover up the truth of our sinful core. God opened my eyes to the inner lives of others, and those you thought were ‘good’ come to be seen as faulty and wrong. There is no one exempt, none that are worthy, not a single person that is actually good.

“For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God” Romans 3: 23.

As this truth sinks deeper into my spirit, I recognize my need in a desperate way; like a starving hunger. I become agitated by my need to be cleansed, my need to be fixed. This is quickly followed by my inability to bleach away past actions. I lay there suddenly aware that if help does not come, I will drown in my own sins. I am awoken to realize the urgency of my situation; I see the hazardous state of those around me; on the brink of death and yet walking happily through life.

            This story is not looking good; It’s gotten to that point where I realize that I am absolutely bad. I have earned my sinful state in every way; and death is the only right I have, the one thing I truly deserve.

“For the wages of sin is death” Romans 6:23.

            Have you ever received a gift that you needed? Not one you wanted, you thought would be cool or fun.. but something that you really seriously needed. I can’t say that I’ve ever been in a point in my life when I needed something that badly that it was a matter of life or death. I’ve been very blessed that I have never experienced a life or death need in my life. The closest I’ve ever experienced to receiving something that I needed was a surprise gift of groceries during a financially difficult time. My reaction to this was nothing short of bawling. That someone would know me well enough, care about me enough and be so aware of my need to provide for me; without my asking they bought me food and dropped it off on my doorstep. This gift is nothing compared to God’s goodness; however it helps me to understand how profound God’s love is. Because when you really need something and it’s becomes provided for you, it is so much more beautiful than when it’s just something you want. When you are on the edge, and all you can do is accept and say thank you; there’s no repayment option, there’s no ability to earn or deserve it. It’s just a matter of great need and acceptance. The awareness of the severity of our need makes the gratitude for the gift that much more.

            This is what Friday is… the day you deny Christ, the day you hammer the nails into his hand, the day that you see your Savior die… and that sense of wrong penetrates you to your core; your sins are revealed and you are overwhelmed with disgust.

“My ears had heard of you but now my eyes see you. Therefore I despite myself.” Job 42:5-6

    

        Then comes the wait; the days between death and resurrection are just as important. This is the season of trust, faith and hope. There may not be an empty grave yet, there may not be signs of victory. There may not be anything to prove that this is going to be a happy ending… but there is a faith and a belief that something big will happen. This is also the time when God works on our character; the realization of our problem is overwhelming and we have to wait on our Lord for our answer. As we press into Him in the times of difficulty, the season that lies between problem and solution, we can see him at work in us. God uses this time to develop our character so we can be the person he needs us to be, a person who can serve Him better.

            Then, Sunday Comes!!! In the light of a new day, Jesus is present. He has defeated the grave. The power of sin is broken, the penalty of death has been paid and the result is life. Freedom from everything that binds, healing for our hurts and pains, a cleansing from the sin that is inherent and pervasive. There aren’t words significant enough to do justice in explaining Easter Monday. It is the Victory you’ve been waiting for, it is the answer you need, it is the solution to your problem. All that is wrong has been made right in the moment that Christ returns.

“And they ran to him, grasped his feet and worshiped him” Matthew 28:9

What do you do when every punishment you so painfully deserve is paid in full; all that you need is provided for you, and the possibility of compensation is beyond your ability. The appropriate response is acceptance and gratitude; it’s worship and obeying. It’s living a life that is consumed with one purpose; to glorify our Lord; the one who has gone further for you then you could ever imagine, and only asks for you in return. 

Japan - Trust in Action

Walking into unknowns inevitably forces us to throw our trust into forces outside of our control. We have to believe that we can make it through, that those who have gone before us and managed are similar to us, and we can do the same. We look to others, to positives of the situation, to those little glimmers that bring you faith and strength. This is one of the most uncomfortable and exhilarating things about new experiences, about stepping into places that you’ve never been. When it boils down to it, when you are in a season that is entirely new to you, you can’t trust yourself with much of anything; you simply have to rest assured in something else. Spiritually, it’s some fertile soil to dwell in… emotionally, it can be a bit more like off-roading in an ill-equipped vehicle (bumpy and occasionally scary).

This is where God slowly draws me out of my comfort zone; he challenges me to trust him as I walk on pathways that I’ve never tread.  He whittles down my belief in myself, and allows me to see him work in the factors that are beyond my reach. In the journey that requires walking a thin line; balancing your fear with your faith, God’s works seem so much more evident. There is a sense of gratitude that is much stronger when the things you hoped for, prayed for and longed for come true... and you had no way of achieving it on your own.

            God has already answered some of my prayers, and shown me how he is concerned with and providing for my needs. I need to continue to remind myself of what he does for me, and keep my eyes open and aware of the things he is doing, so that I can give Him all glory and praise.

A couple of weeks before I left for Japan I received an e-mail from the teacher that I have replaced at my branch school.  She welcomed me to the school, and encouraged me to feel free to ask her anything. She also asked why I had chosen Japan and this job; I replied and told her that a lot of my reasoning for choosing Japan was based on my relationship with God. Her response back was that she was a Christian and she was so excited to know that I was a Christian too. I met Aubrey when I moved to Kusatsu and I couldn’t have arranged a better way to start my life here. Her and I worked together in my first week as she introduced me to all the students and the classes and helped to adjust to this new life. She also took me with her on my first weekend to meet some of the Christians she knows in Osaka; a mixture of locals, foreigners and missionaries that are serving God here in Japan. This was truly an answer to prayer as I was worried about if I could have deep Christian relationships in a country that has a largely atheist population, (and a language barrier). I’m also praying about opportunities to minister to people here; and am trusting in God to use me as he see’s fit.

The job of being an English teacher is also quite an adventure. In the past weeks I’ve had everything from helping a doctor translate conversations into English to help her patients, to having a 4 year old boy fall asleep on me... twice. I run, chase, tickle, carry, restrain, sing to and jump with rambunctious toddlers. I feel as though I could do my own kids show after a couple of weeks of teaching and entertaining these kids. I then teach school-aged children; which also requires a lot of creativity to keep them happy and engaged as their English classes are in addition to regular school. I also have some classes with older middle and high school aged students whose English level is higher; and there is more room for free conversation. It’s a job with very long hours, and I know I will need to remind myself to engage in a life outside of work. Over next month or so, while I’m still learning the ropes, I think my life will be very work focused.

I’m learning… slowly… as I seem to learn all important things at a turtle’s pace, that trusting in God, for me, is suspending my emotions and finding that confidant truth within my heart. To know that God is bigger than it all; from this place of shaky trust taking those first somewhat restrained, but none the less freeing steps. Those steps are the physical choices we make, the discomfort that we walk into, the new experience that requires more than we could ever give. To know that where you end, God begins.. filling in the gap between what you need and what you have. 

Loneliness

“And the Lord God said, ‘ It is not good that the man should be alone’” Genesis 2:18

The first thing that the Lord said that was not good in the creation of the world was loneliness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That dark pit of aching deep within yourself

It lurks behind your sternum in the black of night

Banging on the walls of your ribs, and hammering against your soul

Begging to be released.

And so, it spills fourth

It comes in a parade of whispered words, and muffled tears

A speech that is made to the air

The soliloquy of your outpouring emotion seems to linger between yourself and the walls that encapsulate you.

The murmured speech is sometimes audible, as if an invisible audience were listening in from some undiscovered location.

Other times it’s internalized, an unquenchable barrage of thought and emotions that monopolize your mind.

And the realization occurs;

‘Why bother to speak out loud at all, when there’s no one there to hear?’

There’s no ears to recognize the sorrow in your voice

There’s no eyes to see your pain

No arms to hug, or hands to administer the comfort of a touch

No mouth or mind to speak comfort or love back into your life

There’s you and space;

an area that seems to be quickly consumed in your own desolation.

A cycle of urgently yearning for companionship, and in finding none, retreating into oneself more; and attempting to harness your longing through logic and self comforts.

In this desperation, in these moments of utter lowliness; you turn to what you know is there.

You pray fervently; a desire to understand the reasoning behind the current application of your life.

You admit to yourself that it’s difficult to continue to strive, and push fourth,

Your daily life is impeded by a large unseen ball and chain of a hidden feelings.

It’s a struggle to want to fight for friendships and to pursue relationships, as the memories of old friends and missed loved ones loiter in your memories.

When the good times that precede the bad are also the cause of it, a trepidation to continue occurs, and the innate desire to fight dwindles into decline.

Ultimately, perseverance can be negated in favor of a safety net;

one that you admit may be suffocating, but, you know it well.

Yet, God does not relent in our hopelessness,

and through his power the urging to pray stands strong,

The desire to crawl back into the lap of my Lord,

And rest my brokenness within his careful, faithful and loving hands

To surrender all that I am to Him, who cares abundantly for me

And to know within the depths of my being that despite any current season of sorrow, his plan and purpose for me will include joy.

I content myself to follow after the biblical examples set before me;

To fight like Jacob, holding onto the Lord until he promises blessing,

To remain steady like Hannah in the longevity of a withheld blessing

To remain hopeful like Paul in the midst of an isolating incarceration.

To believe that God’s goodness abounds; no matter what my life experience may declare.

To rest in the belief that every trial and tribulation he allows one to encounter is a preparation for a future unknown,

And to trust that the future that God has for me, despite the path it may take along the way, is a beautiful destiny.

And in this, a hope emerges, enough to get through the night and onto the sunlight that declares the introduction of a new day.

A day that the Lord has made; prepared and planned before the creation of the world.

And, the Lord’s plan will prevail, upon this I rest my soul.

If all the World's a Stage

All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts,

William Shakespeare, As You Like It

If all the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:

Then we’ve created a society of masques

A culture of hiding behind facades created to impress

We live in a time when Fake is predominate,

And real is a rarity

The word genuine is used as a marketing ploy,

And is uncommonly used to characterize

Technology creates opportunities to communicate across the globe,

Yet real conversation,

the truest depth of sharing and communicating,

Is lost in a sea of wires and buttons

When a profile is your mask;

As changeable as your desire to impress,

A projected image conjured to be displayed,

For the world to look upon and judge

As we begin to navigate this depth of insincere media,

And see ourselves as a product to be sold,

To manipulate and market a person,

Creating something that is palatable to all

And we ask; are we merely players?

Acting as opposed to being?

Faking it, as opposed to risking vulnerability

And displaying the truth of you

The truth is;

God made you exactly the way he intended you to be

Nothing can hide the beauty of an uncovered soul,

Someone who is truly and simply themselves,

Relying upon love and faith,

Knowing that there is an unconditional Lord and Savior

Whose Love is far beyond the invisible paparazzi, or the silent audience

That every opinion in the world can not contend with the most prized one of all

The judgment of God; which is undoubtedly;

A position of Love and an attitude of acceptance.

Questioning of Culture

Culture is one of those often used, rarely specifically defined concepts. It seems it can be used as a catch-all term that encompasses more than anyone really can keep track of. I personally find culture to be very interesting; I love learning about how different people form different groups and decide to live in a particular way. However, there's something that I've noticed about how we explain and notice our own culture and the cultures of others; it's mostly defined by differences.


I am, like many North Americans, a European cocktail, all sorts of different family lines intertwine and ethnic groupings are in there somewhere and I'm not exactly sure what 'I am'. My culture seems to follow along the same hazy lines; there's a little bit of Welsh inspired cuisine at my grandparent's holiday feasts, and my family has an affinity for out Italian heritage, but all in all the cultural backdrop that I've grown up in seems to me to be normal by virtue of experience and by virtue of it not digressing much from everyone else. This is what I've found to be particularly thought-provoking over the past few days; we tend to recognize our culture by what is different from someone else's, it is not a concept that is commonly defined in and of itself. In my experience this has played out by realizing things that are different, and being able to connect them to a culture. I recognized that the Welsh food being served at my grandparents' table was unique and special, and as such, a cultural creation; this recognition was birthed through the comparison of it not being present at the other grandparents' table. Outside of comparison and recognition of difference, I would not have realized that ever-so-loved Yorkshire pudding, and not-so-loved fruitcake were something that was tied to a culture because to me it seemed normal. It was something that was always present in my experience of holiday dinners and we don't tend to notice something as different when it's a frequent occurrence in the history of our lives.


All this thought about culture and how we come to define and categorize it based mostly on a recognition of differences has lead me to think about God's call on our lives to live counter-culturally.  There is a very specific call on our lives to live differently; to be light and salt in the world (Matthew 5:13-16). "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." (Romans 12:2).


I question if I live differently enough for it to be recognized that I am from a different culture. I wonder if I actually look, act and think in a way that diverges from normal to such an extent that others realize that there is something unfamiliar and unknown about me.

There's Something to be Said for Desperation

Desperation is not one of those terms that we look at in a positive light; it's not generally a compliment to be called 'desperate'. But, I think there's much more within desperation that can lead to good. We often overlook the results that the state of desperation can bring because we put our attention into the pain of the situation, as opposed to the Glory that God can bring through it.


I believe that the point of desperation is the point when you're finally willing to let go of self, and hold onto God. As a self-declared pride-filled human (unfortunately), I know that I rely on myself for as long as I can possibly manage, before crumbling into God's arms and realizing the stupidity of my ignorance. However, the journey to that crumbling point is often one that requires a brokenness, emptiness, all to culminate in a state of desperation.


I remember someone once mentioned in their testimony that it wasn't until their back was against the wall that they finally called on God. This has always stayed with me as a salient memory that reminds me of God's faithfulness, our need for Him and how hard it is to battle against ourselves to accept our need for Him.


Despite the connotations linked to this word today, I see it as representing the opportunity for hard hearts to soften, and prodigal sons to return. Desperation is certainly not a fun season; but it is a beautiful painful season, where hearts are open, pride is broken, and God moves in a powerful way.