Loneliness

“And the Lord God said, ‘ It is not good that the man should be alone’” Genesis 2:18

The first thing that the Lord said that was not good in the creation of the world was loneliness.

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That dark pit of aching deep within yourself

It lurks behind your sternum in the black of night

Banging on the walls of your ribs, and hammering against your soul

Begging to be released.

And so, it spills fourth

It comes in a parade of whispered words, and muffled tears

A speech that is made to the air

The soliloquy of your outpouring emotion seems to linger between yourself and the walls that encapsulate you.

The murmured speech is sometimes audible, as if an invisible audience were listening in from some undiscovered location.

Other times it’s internalized, an unquenchable barrage of thought and emotions that monopolize your mind.

And the realization occurs;

‘Why bother to speak out loud at all, when there’s no one there to hear?’

There’s no ears to recognize the sorrow in your voice

There’s no eyes to see your pain

No arms to hug, or hands to administer the comfort of a touch

No mouth or mind to speak comfort or love back into your life

There’s you and space;

an area that seems to be quickly consumed in your own desolation.

A cycle of urgently yearning for companionship, and in finding none, retreating into oneself more; and attempting to harness your longing through logic and self comforts.

In this desperation, in these moments of utter lowliness; you turn to what you know is there.

You pray fervently; a desire to understand the reasoning behind the current application of your life.

You admit to yourself that it’s difficult to continue to strive, and push fourth,

Your daily life is impeded by a large unseen ball and chain of a hidden feelings.

It’s a struggle to want to fight for friendships and to pursue relationships, as the memories of old friends and missed loved ones loiter in your memories.

When the good times that precede the bad are also the cause of it, a trepidation to continue occurs, and the innate desire to fight dwindles into decline.

Ultimately, perseverance can be negated in favor of a safety net;

one that you admit may be suffocating, but, you know it well.

Yet, God does not relent in our hopelessness,

and through his power the urging to pray stands strong,

The desire to crawl back into the lap of my Lord,

And rest my brokenness within his careful, faithful and loving hands

To surrender all that I am to Him, who cares abundantly for me

And to know within the depths of my being that despite any current season of sorrow, his plan and purpose for me will include joy.

I content myself to follow after the biblical examples set before me;

To fight like Jacob, holding onto the Lord until he promises blessing,

To remain steady like Hannah in the longevity of a withheld blessing

To remain hopeful like Paul in the midst of an isolating incarceration.

To believe that God’s goodness abounds; no matter what my life experience may declare.

To rest in the belief that every trial and tribulation he allows one to encounter is a preparation for a future unknown,

And to trust that the future that God has for me, despite the path it may take along the way, is a beautiful destiny.

And in this, a hope emerges, enough to get through the night and onto the sunlight that declares the introduction of a new day.

A day that the Lord has made; prepared and planned before the creation of the world.

And, the Lord’s plan will prevail, upon this I rest my soul.

If all the World's a Stage

All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts,

William Shakespeare, As You Like It

If all the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:

Then we’ve created a society of masques

A culture of hiding behind facades created to impress

We live in a time when Fake is predominate,

And real is a rarity

The word genuine is used as a marketing ploy,

And is uncommonly used to characterize

Technology creates opportunities to communicate across the globe,

Yet real conversation,

the truest depth of sharing and communicating,

Is lost in a sea of wires and buttons

When a profile is your mask;

As changeable as your desire to impress,

A projected image conjured to be displayed,

For the world to look upon and judge

As we begin to navigate this depth of insincere media,

And see ourselves as a product to be sold,

To manipulate and market a person,

Creating something that is palatable to all

And we ask; are we merely players?

Acting as opposed to being?

Faking it, as opposed to risking vulnerability

And displaying the truth of you

The truth is;

God made you exactly the way he intended you to be

Nothing can hide the beauty of an uncovered soul,

Someone who is truly and simply themselves,

Relying upon love and faith,

Knowing that there is an unconditional Lord and Savior

Whose Love is far beyond the invisible paparazzi, or the silent audience

That every opinion in the world can not contend with the most prized one of all

The judgment of God; which is undoubtedly;

A position of Love and an attitude of acceptance.

Questioning of Culture

Culture is one of those often used, rarely specifically defined concepts. It seems it can be used as a catch-all term that encompasses more than anyone really can keep track of. I personally find culture to be very interesting; I love learning about how different people form different groups and decide to live in a particular way. However, there's something that I've noticed about how we explain and notice our own culture and the cultures of others; it's mostly defined by differences.


I am, like many North Americans, a European cocktail, all sorts of different family lines intertwine and ethnic groupings are in there somewhere and I'm not exactly sure what 'I am'. My culture seems to follow along the same hazy lines; there's a little bit of Welsh inspired cuisine at my grandparent's holiday feasts, and my family has an affinity for out Italian heritage, but all in all the cultural backdrop that I've grown up in seems to me to be normal by virtue of experience and by virtue of it not digressing much from everyone else. This is what I've found to be particularly thought-provoking over the past few days; we tend to recognize our culture by what is different from someone else's, it is not a concept that is commonly defined in and of itself. In my experience this has played out by realizing things that are different, and being able to connect them to a culture. I recognized that the Welsh food being served at my grandparents' table was unique and special, and as such, a cultural creation; this recognition was birthed through the comparison of it not being present at the other grandparents' table. Outside of comparison and recognition of difference, I would not have realized that ever-so-loved Yorkshire pudding, and not-so-loved fruitcake were something that was tied to a culture because to me it seemed normal. It was something that was always present in my experience of holiday dinners and we don't tend to notice something as different when it's a frequent occurrence in the history of our lives.


All this thought about culture and how we come to define and categorize it based mostly on a recognition of differences has lead me to think about God's call on our lives to live counter-culturally.  There is a very specific call on our lives to live differently; to be light and salt in the world (Matthew 5:13-16). "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." (Romans 12:2).


I question if I live differently enough for it to be recognized that I am from a different culture. I wonder if I actually look, act and think in a way that diverges from normal to such an extent that others realize that there is something unfamiliar and unknown about me.

There's Something to be Said for Desperation

Desperation is not one of those terms that we look at in a positive light; it's not generally a compliment to be called 'desperate'. But, I think there's much more within desperation that can lead to good. We often overlook the results that the state of desperation can bring because we put our attention into the pain of the situation, as opposed to the Glory that God can bring through it.


I believe that the point of desperation is the point when you're finally willing to let go of self, and hold onto God. As a self-declared pride-filled human (unfortunately), I know that I rely on myself for as long as I can possibly manage, before crumbling into God's arms and realizing the stupidity of my ignorance. However, the journey to that crumbling point is often one that requires a brokenness, emptiness, all to culminate in a state of desperation.


I remember someone once mentioned in their testimony that it wasn't until their back was against the wall that they finally called on God. This has always stayed with me as a salient memory that reminds me of God's faithfulness, our need for Him and how hard it is to battle against ourselves to accept our need for Him.


Despite the connotations linked to this word today, I see it as representing the opportunity for hard hearts to soften, and prodigal sons to return. Desperation is certainly not a fun season; but it is a beautiful painful season, where hearts are open, pride is broken, and God moves in a powerful way.

The Reason

Why write a blog?
Well, I can't speak for everyone.. but I suppose that this started for me in an attempt to keep myself sane. To get right to the point... I've been thinking a lot lately, about everything! Life, Forgiveness, the Future, Society, Joy, Pain, Surrender, Missions, Teaching, Heaven, Culture, Language, Books; to suffice, Everything! 
I know myself well enough by this point in my life to know that I need an outlet for these mental tinkerings, and that I'm open and honest enough to tell anyone. 
So, consider this blog an attempt to save the poor stranger on the bus from getting an endless rant and contemplative narrative. Instead, You... whoever is reading this, gets to enjoy it instead (just pretend you're sitting beside me).